What future?

I was getting ready to go to the store (just returned late last night from Wales), and realized I need to order more contacts. I used to ruefully laugh when my mother-in-law said she no longer buys green bananas (she's 85)... but I realized that I don't know if I'll need the usual order of 6 months of lenses, and I'm only 59. The website I accessed last night (the web can be great for info... or terrible when it provides info you don't necessarily want to read) said that if the cancer had metastasized (probable with large tumors), I'd have about 7 months... how do I deal with that??

Shock and awe

I got the news last Wednesday (Oct 29, 2009) when I went for a colonoscopy. I was drowsy from the anaesthetic, but the words "large tumor" and "probably malignant" brought me to complete awareness immediately. A diagram of what would need to be excised ("very soon") was also an eye-opener. All of a sudden, my world changed. I've been happy and healthy all my life and now I know there's something nasty growing inside me, with little to warn me that it is there.

I got out of there, but I don't know how. Jeff got me home... and I went to sleep, I think to escape as much as to finish off the anaesthetic (and some residual jet-lag from our return from the US just a day before). When I awoke, the crying started. It's not my mortality that gets to me-- it's the things I'll miss, like seeing my grandkids grow up and getting old with Jeff. At least I've gotten through my kids growing up-- they have and I couldn't ask for better ones. They're wonderful young adults who are making their little corners of the world good places to live. I had the fear, as I suppose all mothers do, that something would happen and I wouldn't be there for them when they needed me. Well, I got past that one. But now I have four delightful, happy, bright young grandchildren who make me see the world through new eyes, and I wanted to rediscover things with them. Guess I'll have to rush that one...

And about growing old with Jeff. I can't say we've put everything on hold, because we have certainly taken every opportunity that presented itself. But there's so much left to do. And he needs someone to love him and support him (OK-- message here to Jeff: I do love you more now than ever and I know you love me. Sooo... you do need someone and I hope you find another partner to share the rest of your life with. You are meant to be with someone, and I'm so fortunate--I realize it every day, and did, even before this-- to have shared life with you this long! Find someone who loves you desperately and will be there for you. And to Lindsay and Drew: I hope you'll embrace whomever he chooses: she's not meant to replace me, but to supplement my role. She may be very different from me, but trust him to choose someone he needs. All his decisions so far have been good ones!)